What Matters Most
by sapphermine
Summary: Sometimes, somethings don't have a cure. What if Kaoru's disease didn't have one?
1. Default Chapter

Ok! This is my first FoR fic so be nice! It's a Kaoru fic but not a pairing. I'm telling you now, if you want pairing or slash then this isn't the fic you want!

DISCLAIMER: All characters are not mine. I'm merely borrowing them for the sake of fun.

The Important Thing

Chapter One: Prologue

It was yet another beautiful morning in the Hanabishi home except for the fact that Recca had been chasing Kaoru for about an hour or so. This happening was totally normal in the Hanabishi home. Everyday Recca would get soaked in water and would chase Kaoru around the house thinking that he was the one who did it, which isn't true since Mr. Hanabishi asked Kaoru to wake Recca up. And since Recca wouldn't wake up he decided to splash water on him instead. Sometimes, Recca would wake up without being soaked and would chase Kaoru with no apparent reason. That was life on the otherwise peaceful home of the Hanabishi. Ever since the tournament Recca decided to 'adopt' Kaoru since Kaoru didn't have anywhere to go to. And since Kaoru is sometimes very really annoying, both him and Recca would always fight or argue over simple matters. This activity doesn't seem to bother Mr. Hanabishi at all since all he ever does is stare at Kagero and go on to dreamland. 

Everything was all well and fine since the tournament. Everything was alright with Domon, besides the fact that he was appointed cashier of their little flower shop, which is to him by far the most humiliating thing that he has ever done in his entire life. Ganko was living with Fuuko. As far as everybody's concerned, they're doing just fine, probably better off than Recca and Kaoru. And as for Mikagami, he was doing fine. Heck, he was having the best days of his life ever since Fuuko answered him. Though he doesn't show it, it was pretty obvious to everybody that he was in love with Fuuko. Poor Domon though, couldn't take the fact that Fuuko would answer such a guy like that, in Domon's point of view. And for Yanagi, she was having a blast. There were no longer crazy, idiotic, madmen trying to get eternal life by experimenting with her body. She no longer had to worry about everybody's life. No one had to do anything life threatening. 

Everybody was having a normal life, with normal problems and normal activities. Too bad not everything will be normal in the coming days. Too bad for Kaoru. His life hangs in the balance. Too bad for him. There seems to be no cure…


	2. The Beginning

From now on the story goes with Kaoru's PoV. I changed the last part of the first chapter because I wanted the story to revolve around the illness. At first I wanted a kick-butt story but I found out that I lost the inspiration to continue. I found that inspiration again but I had to change the story. So now, it's new. It used to be the Important Thing, as you would know, and now it's What Matters Most. I'm sorry if my story's a bit dull and old but I'm writing just for fun. 

DISCLAIMER: The characters aren't mine. I'm only borrowing them for the sake of mere fun.

What Matters Most

Chapter 2: The Beginning

            Hmmm… What a strange game this is, tag. Running around, chasing, running again. I wonder why people bother to do it? I wonder why I bother to do this. Recca, as usual, had been chasing me around the house again for a reason I could never really fathom. I guess he'd never been able to realize that his father had just asked me to do such a tedious thing. If I was asked what to do I'd say Kick him in the arse and keep on doing it until he wakes up. A bit painful, but effective. My father used to do it to me all the time. Come to think about it, he'd only do it if I didn't wake up on time, which was a rarity. 

            We'd better stop running around now. Time to go to school.

            "Let's stop this now, Recca. I'm getting tired,"

            Panting he told me, "Alright. We're gonna be late for school if we don't. Go dress up now. Hurry up though, or I'll make sure you do."

            I know he didn't mean it so I said, "Whatever!" And I laughed all the way to my room.

            I started dressing up, like he told me to, and started to walk out of my room when I felt the world spin. The walls of my room suddenly swayed and turned. I staggered and reached for something to hold on to. I touched the shelf and clung to it tightly. Then, in a matter of minutes, it passed. I knew if I told Recca about this he would surely laugh at me so I kept it to myself.

            After all, what harm could a simple giddiness do to me?

            I walked out of my room without any problems and ran to the door to find Recca waiting impatiently for me.

            "What took you so long?" asked an annoyed Recca.

            "Had to find spare clothes," I quickly lied, "I'm sorry."

            "Well, we're going to be late now. We'll have to run."

            I nodded. "Alright."

            We ran all the way until the last corner. We stopped there, to take a rest and just walked to school. But just when we were about to pass the corner I felt it again. The houses around me seemed to sway and turn. I stumbled and almost fell; thankfully I caught myself just in time. Recca must've noticed this because he asked me, "Are you alright?"

            I lied, "Yeah, just fine."

            I knew he didn't believe me. Nobody ever did if it came from me. After all, how could they trust someone like me? Parents unknown, family unknown, birthplace unknown. Although they cared for me and they treat me as if I was their own, I knew they still didn't trust me. I knew they had that little doubt inside them and I could never make them believe otherwise since that would only lead to more mistrust, more doubts, more isolation. I didn't want to be alone. I never wanted to be left alone. Like what my father's done so many times before…

            "Kaoru?"

            I looked up and saw Recca's concerned face, "I'm fine, really," I smiled at him, to reassure him that I was really fine.

            He nodded and we started heading to school again. 

Thanks for those who reviewed!

            To:

                        Hume Esper: I changed the story. No assassins this time. I'm sorry. But thanks for reviewing!

                        Yumi: Is the story still fine even though I changed it? Thanks for reviewing!

                        klyukaizer: Hehe… Nice name. You love cliffhangers? I'll give you loads of it! Thanks for reading my story and reviewing at that!

            Just be easy on me if you don't like my story. Like I said, I'm doing this for mere fun. And it's my first time doing a FoR fanfic. Thanks for reading anyway!


	3. Ranting

                Hehe… I know that the Saiyuki one I'm making is the same as this one. But there's a difference. A big difference. And the difference is: the characters! Hehe… Joke, joke, joke!!! You obviously know that already. The difference is that Kaoru's a bit of an outcast here. You know, they don't trust him because he's from Kurei's group and all that. Also, they don't know who is Kaoru's family. 

DISCLAIMER: All characters aren't mine. I'm merely borrowing them for the sake of fun.

What Matters Most

Chapter 3: Ranting 

                School. Children learning for the sake of their futures, making friends, making their parents proud, having fun. Making fun with people that is. And I've hated school for that. School would've been better if people minded their own business. School would've been better if it wasn't me they're making fun of. Or my friends at that. 

                No, I'm not talking about Recca.

                Believe me, they're better off than myself. Or anyone else for that matter.

                What I'm talking about are my own friends. Always called stupid, even if it's not true, literally. They're more of nerds than stupid. I would know that since I've been with them for more than a year.

                The only reason why I ended up with them is because there was no one else.

                No one liked me. I guess it's because I wasn't too handsome, or I wasn't too cute or smart, maybe because I wasn't that great. But then again, I was never special. I guess that's the reason why.

                I've never told anyone about this. I owed them too much to add to their own problems. So I kept it to myself. I'd always tell Recca that school is fine and that everything is cool. But sometimes, I desperately want to tell him, to take it all out, all the bullying, all the criticisms, all the shouting…

                I never liked it when people shout at me. It makes me remember. Of father. Of how he would yell at me. I remember the times when he'd reach for my arm, pulling it as if it were going to tear away from my body. I'd remember the time when he'd drag me down to darkness. Where I'd feel lonely and helpless. Where I'd feel nothing more than fear. And I hate it. And I keep on remembering every time someone would yell at me…

                I always seem to get a lot of yelling.  I've never understood why they do it. They just do. Sometimes it would be for a reasonable cause, but most of the time they just do it for the sake of yelling. At me, that is.

                I guess from the outside I look like trouble. My unruly brown hair, my clothes, my eyes… Everything about me spells trouble, heck, even the way I speak tells people that I am trouble. So they misunderstand me. Talk about don't judge a book by its cover. They do it without even realizing. 

                Most of the people at school do that. Especially the 'popular' ones. 

                Bull.

                This year my classmates were the worst. They were the most notorious in our batch. 

                Tough luck.

                Even though I was 'respectable' in some sort of way, you'd still be a bit apprehensive around them, especially when one of them is your seatmate. They'd act nicely around you, tell you stuff about you they like, help you with fixing stuff, but through it all and underneath they think of you lower than, well, a person whose not a popular like them. Something like that. They act caring, at times, in public, but they talk something bad about you afterwards. 

                Don't get me wrong though. Not every popular student is like that. I've got a few friends who are and they're all right. 

                The problem is, most of the 'bad popular' students are in my class.

                Poor me. From now on, I dwell in self-pity.

                I sit here, in the classroom, thinking about the 'what if's'

                What if I was popular, too? Would they treat me like this?

                What if I were smart, really handsome or had a cute sister, would I be like this?

                I decided that most of the people who are popular either had cute little sisters or handsome big brothers, were smart, funny or just plain trouble. Maybe some of them, I decided, had family's that they didn't like. So they poured all their anxiety or anger on other people. 

                I wonder why I was never _that_ much of a troublemaker. Although I have trouble letting my own feelings out, it hasn't bothered anyone. 

                So why, I ask myself. Why does teachers bother themselves with people like them and yet never bothered me? 

                I sigh, oh well…

                Ranting with my thoughts really need some effort. Ms. Sasaki already called my attention twice. I wonder if I'll get detention like this.

                Probably. Teachers always find faults in me I never knew I had. There goes down yet another notch of self-confidence.

                Concentrating on algebra and ranting isn't a good combination. 

_Gosh. I must stop this now._

                _Damn! _This dizziness really bothers me a lot. I wonder when it'll stop. I hope it will soon enough, can't concentrate hard enough to understand this stuff about a's and b's! 

a + a = 2a, easy enough.

A + B = A + B? _What!?_ Enough! This is making me insane. Algebra. Sigh. 

Wait a minute. A + B. Oh, I get it. How could I be so stupid? I guess I am. Sigh. 

"Will you stop sighing!"

"Wha-what?"

"I said, 'stop sighing'. This algebra stuff really gets my head going round and round, so stop doing that will you?"

"Alright", I chuckle a bit. I think everyone's having a blast, too. Even The Most Notorious is talking to me. That's for the list. 

Hmm… That's it. I'm concentrating on this algebra thing.

* * * * *

I walk around school, yet again, as another day has passed. Recca won't be home until late so I take my time idly walking around this place. No one notices me. That's good. Never liked that much attention.

But then again…

Some attention wouldn't be too bad. Right?

"Hey Kaoru, what's up?"

Shigeta. What's he doing here?

"Nothing. Walking around, I guess."

He laughs, "I can see that. Why aren't you home yet?"

"No one's home. So I'm waiting for them to arrive. I guess you could call this, 'killing time'?"

He pauses, "Oh."

"How about you? Why are you still here?"

"Nothing. Just like you, I guess. Killing time. My family's got this habit of coming home late. I think I'm getting that habit, too. But don't get me wrong, we're tightly bonded," he makes a fist, tightly curling it until his hand turns red, "unlike most family's out there."

"Right."

"You're staying with Recca, right? How's he doing? Still practices with those ninja techniques?"

"Yeah." Then it hit me, "How'd you know I was staying with Recca?"

                He gives me a puzzled stare, "I live near your house. Don't you know?" He looks at me, "I guess not. But I do hear you everyday, all those running around and yelling. Seems you're giving Recca a pretty hard time every morning, huh?" He chuckles, "Fun having him around, Recca I mean, right? You're always having a laughing fit every morning and evening. But then, if you're staying with Recca, then…"

                _Don't ask. Please don't ask._

                "Then how about, I mean, where…"

                _No, please, not that question. I've come all the way here to stop it. Please don't ask me that question._

                "Where's your family?"

                Funny how a simple question can return so many memories from the past. I shudder a bit, thinking all the things they'd done to me. 

                "Kaoru? You okay?"

                I snap back, "Um… Yeah."

                "So, what about your family."

                I faced him and he stared at my eyes. Cold and distant they were, but he didn't back off, "They're dead." 


	4. And It Happens Again

I know that it has been a LONG time since I updated. For that, I am terribly sorry. I really am! I swear! Hehe… Okay, I'm being paranoid now… On with the story then!

DISCLAIMER: All characters aren't mine. I'm merely borrowing them for the sake of mere fun.

What Matters Most

Chapter 4: And It Happens Again

                It was the end of school, and here I was pacing the school waiting for the time Recca would come home. When I was about to round a corner Shigeta stopped me.

                "Koganei," he said, "about what you said a few days ago… You were just joking, right?"

                I looked at him and I smiled, "Of course I was!"

                We both laughed and he said, "You've got a sense of humor there, Koganei! I never would have thought it of you!"

                Typical.

                "Anyways, it's getting late. Wanna go home with me?"

                I thought about it, "Sorry. I've still got minutes to spare before Recca arrives."

                "Oh, alright then," he said as he ran towards the exit, "See you tomorrow, Koganei!"

                "Yeah, I'll see you tomorrow, too!" I waved.

                Shigeta. With his soft brown hair and his amber eyes, who wouldn't want to be his friend? When he first came to school and displayed his ability to do almost any sport, all the 'populars' came for him. They crowded around him at lunch, talking to him and, as most people say, turning him into one of 'them'. Some people even warned him afterwards to stay away from that particular group. Thankfully, he followed those advices. But still, there are times when 'they' can't just help but eat or work or team up with him at gym class. Sometimes, Shigeta can be just too kind for his own good. But then again, what's wrong with 'them' eating with him? Sigh… People can be so weird sometimes.

                I started walking home feeling very stupid. Why had I answered him? Why did I tell about my family? I should've just told him that I had been an orphan until Recca adopted me? Well, I think that's stupid, too. What's more stupid is the fact that I told him that my family isn't dead. Technically, that is true. But for me, it's otherwise. It doesn't matter anyways; my family thinks I'm dead, too. The truth is, they try to think that I don't and didn't exist at all. And if anyone did find out, I don't think anyone would be interested in me to go that far or to find out. Sigh…

                "Koganei! I thought I told you to go home early!" I snapped from my thoughts and focused my attention to the voice.

                "Koganei!" It was Recca. Did he? Did he tell me to go home early? 

                I don't think so.

                "No, you didn't!"

                "Yes, I did!"

                "No, you did not!"

                "Yes, I did!"

                "Stop it, both of you!" I flinched. Kagerou was shouting. And you never want her shouting.

                "Yes, I did!" Recca triumphantly said.

                I was too fearful of my life that is, too fearful I might loose all my privileges, if shouted back.

                Recca puffed at me when I entered the house.

                "I told you to stop it! If you both won't calm down the neighbors will be disturbed! So stop shouting!"

                "Look who's talking," I mumbled.

                "Yeah," Recca agreed.

                "What did you say?"

                "Nothing… nothing," we both said.

                "It had better be, because if it isn't I swear I gonna…"

                The voice trailed off. I couldn't seem to focus on it. I stopped in my tracks, vaguely aware of what the voice was saying or happening around me. I clutched my head and leaned on the wall for support. My head was throbbing painfully now. Not the usual giddiness I feel every so often after the time when I was dressing up. I expected it to be gone just as fast, but it didn't. It kept on hurting. My vision started to blur and I couldn't stay focused. I didn't want all of them concerned on my problems. I didn't want anyone to think I can't handle myself. I didn't want them to think I'm weak. 'Be strong, Kaoru. Weakness only ensures failure in life. Only the strong are respected. Only the strong endure. Survival of the fittest. The Law of Nature.' (AN: Sound familiar? If you don't know where that came from…) If father is right, I don't want anyone to know of this.

                "I-I'll just drop my bag in my room, ok? Be back in a while!" I said hurriedly.

                I ran to my room, thanking silently no one saw me in this condition. I reached for the door, opened it and stumbled.

I was gasping for air when I finally settled in. I dropped my bag and prayed. Prayed that the throbbing would end. 

* * * * *

(3rd person point of view…)

            "Where's Koganei?"

                "He said he'd just drop his bag or something," shrugged Recca.

                "Oh. But it's 6:30! Isn't he hungry yet?"

                "Dunno," Recca said and seeing his mothers apprehensive look he added, "Don't worry about Koganei. He can take care of himself."

                "But still…"

                Recca looked at his mother. "Dad!" he shouted, "time for dinner!"

                "I'm coming!"

                "Mom…"

                "Recca sometimes I just can't help but to feel sorry for Koganei. He's so young and filled with life and I don't want to see him so down and lost. It worries me if he doesn't eat properly and--,"

                "Mom, don't worry too much about Koganei. He's old enough to be independent."

                "But I can't help myself. Sometimes I think of him as a son…"

                "You're forgetting something."

                "What's that?"

                "That _I am_ your son, or have you forgotten?"

                "Recca, I know that you're my son. But sometimes when a mother meets a child like Kaoru, one who doesn't have a family or a home, she just can't help but want to comfort him, tell him that everything's going to be all right."

                "So you're telling me that he needs a mother more than I?"

                "Recca--,"

                "You're telling me that Koganei, who isn't your son, needs you more than I do? That I'm not worth your worry. That I don't need you anymore," shouted Recca.

                "Recca, let me explain…"

                "Explain? I'll explain it to you! For years you hadn't bee with me! For years you've never acted like my proper mother! For years I've craved for a mother who'll love and take care of me! And now that you're finally here, you're telling me that you're worried that Koganei won't eat dinner? It isn't fair!"

                "Recca please… I was only.  I… I'm sorry. I didn't know…" (AN: I'm getting TOO cheesy, aren't I?)

                "Mom, if you're going to act this way…. then I quit being your son!" (AN: Too cheesy! Too clichéd! Forgive me!)

                "Recca…"

                "So if you do love me mom, please, stop doing this. You're my mother and my mother alone. I don't want anyone to take you away from me, alright? So please… Please stop doing this."

                Recca moved towards his mother, arms wide in embrace, "Recca…" Kagerou whispered, "I'm sorry. I won't over do it next time. From now on, you're my son and no one else will. Not even Koganei. Ever."

                "Well, well, what do we have here?"

                Both Recca and Kagerou pulled apart instantly.

                "Nothing dad, nothing!" Recca laughed nervously

                "Ara, where's Koganei? I thought I saw him coming down a while ago."

                "He'll come down sooner or later."

                And come down Koganei did do. He went down just in time to witness the scene of Recca shouting, of Kagerou agreeing.

                He shrugged, "Who would want a mother anyways?"

                He waited a few more minutes before eating with the rest, completely decided that he'll never tell Recca what was happening to him, or anyone else for that matter. He'd just have to be strong. He'd have to be independent. For Recca and for himself.

* * * * *

Hehe… That's the end of this chapter! Hope you guys liked that! 

Thanks for those who reviewed the last time!

                Yumiko: As much as I would want Kaoru to die, I don't think I'd let him. Not in this story at least. Thanks for reading! Anyways, I'd feel bad if I did let him… Wouldn't you?

Mizumi Saeko: I know it's similar! That's where I got it from! Hehe… Thanks for reading!

Marisse: Kaoru? Popular? I'll think about that… But for now, bear with me… Kaoru's an unpopular nobody. Thanks…

~someone~: I really appreciate if you like my story BUT! NO ONE IS ALLOWED TO DIE WHILE READING MY STORY! I've got no money for that, ok?

Hehe… I'm being really paranoid now! 


	5. Pain

I know that my chapters are short and for that I'm very, very sorry… I'll just try harder… I will try… But I can't promise you that… Unless you want me to upload once a month I can make it longer but I don't think that's a good idea so I'm sticking to well, something shorter but a bit longer than before. Hope that's all right with you. If ever you're still not satisfied with the length feel free to voice it out. I love constructive criticisms. So. On with the story! Enjoy.

DISCLAIMER: All characters are not mine (except Shigeta). I'm merely borrowing them for fun.

What Matters Most                                                                                                                                                                                 

Chapter 5: Pain

Days had passed since I got that terrible throbbing in my head. Ever since, it didn't happen again. Moreover, it never became that serious or painful. I only feel the giddiness that lasts only in, what, minutes? Seconds? 

Recca and Kagerou seems to evade me whenever possible. I guess it has something to do with what Recca said. Really, do they think I'd want another mother? Even if it is Kagerou. Who needs one anyway? And a father? What do I need a father for? For protection? For my needs? For—for love?

Whatever!

I don't need love from a person who doesn't mean it.

And friends. I don't need them. Sometimes, even those whom you call friends don't really mean their love for you. And I've learned that the hard way. They keep saying that they do care for you and they'll protect you but in the end, you'll just find out that they'd been just using you after all. 

That's why I prefer being friendless. 

Until Kurei came in.

He taught me things I never learned from father or the orphanage. (AN: In my story Kaoru knows his father and family. It's just that he doesn't want to remember things about his family especially regarding his father. He knows his family doesn't like him and that they left him in the orphanage in purpose. And when they left him there he thought that maybe he'd find a much more pleasant family than the one he had. But he was wrong. So when he finally gave up, you know the rest. Take note, these things might not have really happened. Just like I said, only in my story.) He gave me things I never had. He let me understand things like family and friends, care, love and all that jazz. He taught me things he never knew he did. He became my hope. He made me see the world from a different perspective. 

And it was wonderful.

I learned to care, to believe, to love. And most of all, I learned to set myself free. 

To be me.

Not the Kaoru who did everything they tell me to. Not the Kaoru who, despite the pain and the impossibility of the work, still keep on doing it. Not the Kaoru who gets blamed for something he didn't do and never complained about the punishment or how unjust the action is. Not the Kaoru who gets pushed around and beaten without a fight. And definitely not the Kaoru who thinks that life isn't worth it.

Because of Kurei I learned to be myself. To be me. To defend my rights. To never let anyone dictate what will happen in my life. To finally have control. To voice out my opinions. To be free. To never allow anyone to bring me down. And to be strong.

He made my world, which was once dim and hopeless, have some shed of light. 

And I'm truly grateful. 

I still am.

Kurei was like a big brother to me. And I guess, I was hoping he would be until the end of time. 

But I was wrong. 

He lied to me. He used me. He hurt Yanagi-nechan. And I left him.

But even so, I still thank him for what he taught and showed me. Now I know though, that he only hurt Yanagi because his 'father' told him to.

See, what do I need a father for? All fathers are like that. At least those I know. Except of course Mr. Hanabishi. I was a bit careful of him at first. But now I know he isn't anything like the fathers I knew when I still was an orphan. (AN: Kaoru's an orphan. You know that don't you? Hehe… I just remembered 'Problem Child' and got the idea that Kaoru might've experienced that. I mean that he's always getting returned to the orphanage and that experience led him to what he is now. Ok, I know that in the anime, which I am basing this fic from, Kaoru's a very enthusiastic person. But if you think about it, if under that handkerchief really is a scar, then Kaoru had a past that led him to hate his life and end it. Maybe he hides it under that façade of enthusiasm. You really wouldn't know. Or do you? If I'm wrong go ahead and tell me… It'll help me real well.) And I learned that not all fathers are like that. I guess it was only my tough luck that I seem to be getting the worst. 

"Koganei! Oy, Koganei!"

I snapped from my thoughts.

"Wha-what?"

"You're gonna be late for school if you don't hurry up! Recca's already left!"

"What? Recca left me? Again?"

"Afraid so." Said Mr. Hanabishi, "So, are you going to school or not?"

"Oh! Oh yeah… School… Right. I'll be off then. Sayonara, Hanabishi-san."

"Yes, take care Kaoru."

I looked at him sharply. Did he really mean that? Does he care? For me?

"What is it?" he asked, totally confused of the look I was giving him.

"Did you really mean that?" I asked.

"Why, of course Koganei. Don't we all? I mean, you're going out, its just right to say that, right?"

I nodded, said goodbye and started to walk to school.

It still surprises me. Whenever someone offers friendship or kindness. Whenever someone says something good about me or tells me to take care or be careful. I never really got used to that. Before people would just grunt or nod to acknowledge me. Whenever I'd leave for school, they'd just say goodbye or be home early or else. Sometimes, they'd just don't mind me at all. No one really cared if I got to school safely. No one really cared if I didn't come back at all. And it really made me think. Do they care for me and they're just hiding it from me? Do they really love me like their real son? Do they think of me as a son, or just an errand boy, a servant, albeit one who has the privilege to go to school and have an astoundingly nice bedroom?

Has anyone ever loved me at all?

As these thoughts flooded my mind I suddenly felt the world spin. The walls around me started to sway and I felt myself loosing consciousness. My head started throbbing so badly I wanted to scream, instead I gritted my teeth hoping against hope that the pain would end. It was so painful. I could barely breathe from the pain. Now, not only did my head hurt my chest hurt as well. It was as if someone was squeezing it real tight that all I could do was gasp for air. I started stumbling, looking for anything to steady myself. Then I touched something. I realized it was a wall and I leaned on it. 

I didn't know how ling it lasted. Every second seemed like eternity. I wanted the pain to stop. I wanted to breath again. I wanted to die then and there. It was, by far, the most excruciating thing I've ever felt. Well, except maybe the times father would… nevermind.

Unexpectedly, it became more painful. The walls around me seemed like a blur. I couldn't see straight at all. I closed my eyes, hoping that it'll end the spinning.

But it didn't.

It just kept getting faster and faster.

I felt like vomiting but I couldn't. I wanted to do something to end it but I couldn't think properly. But one thought flooded my mind, 'I have to find help.' Even though I swore that I'd never let anyone know what was happening to me I couldn't take it anymore. It was just too much for me.

I started walking, my hand still by the wall. But it was no use. If I walked the faster the spinning and swaying becomes. All I could do was clutch my head and try my best not to faint. 

But then again, dying won't be too bad, wouldn't it?

I've got nothing to loose, right?

I sat back on the wall and hugged my knees with my other hand still holding my head. I started praying that no one would see me. That no one punk would start beating me up for no reason at all. But if you think about it, it would be better to just end it all. So I wouldn't have to feel the pain anymore. 

The idea was so tempting.

Still, my head kept throbbing and my chest felt like something was pressing it real hard. Breathing became unbearable. Every breath I took gave me coughing fits that shook my body real hard. Every gasp brought me even more pain.

And I didn't want it anymore. I started holding my breath. But again, it was no use. It still kept hurting.

I don't know how it ended. It just did. It was as if nothing happened at all. I felt good and I was able to walk. I searched for a clock or anything that would tell what time it was. As far as I could remember, I left twenty minutes before the start of classes.

"Excuse me, sir," I asked the only person there, "Would you kindly tell me the time?"

He showed me his watch and I felt relieved. Only ten minutes had passed.

"Thank you, sir." And I started running off.

But all the while I still kept thinking. Would I be lucky next time? Would it happen again soon? Would anyone find out? Would it be just as painful?

Would I live?

Is Recca still mad at me?

I shook my head and forced myself not to think about that. 

'Recca's not mad at me. He's just… just… He's just playing with me, right? But the look he gives me reminds me of… Reminds me of the look my father gives me.'

"Can't be true," I said to myself, "Recca would never hurt me. After all, he is my friend. Almost like a brother even. He would never. I just know it."

Hehe… IT's finished! For 3 weeks! Finally!!!

Thanks for those who reviewed:

klyukaizer: It's ok if you haven't been reading other peoples fics. I mean, usually, I read other peoples than do mine. So it's ok. Hehe… Thanks for reviewing!

MidnughtLoner: I tried to make long chapters, as you can see… I really did! Thanks for reviewing. And also, NO ONE IS ALLOWED TO DIE WHEN READING MY FICS! I don't have money for that. Got it? Hehe… I'm being really paranoid!

tenken: Thanks for liking my fic. I just hope you like it as much as I like yours. Both of them. You're ideas are all sooo good! I wanna be like that too! Thanks for reading and reviewing!

Well, I'm done with this one. I started with the next chap already so its gonna come in sometime in the next three weeks? Hehe…

JOKE! JOKE! JOKE! I'll try to post it sooner. That is, if you still want to read my fic. So, please review!


	6. Coldness

                Just so you won't think I'm not doing anything, I'm going to post what I've already done. You see my exams are coming up so I'm not really allowed to use the computer often. I'm currently having writers block so if you have any suggestions please don't hesitate to tell me. I'm actually begging you for suggestions. Anyway, here's what I've done.

Enjoy!

DISCLAIMER: All characters aren't mine. I'm merely borrowing them for the sake of fun.

What Matters Most

Chapter 6: Coldness

                "Konnichiwa Mikagami-niichan, Fuuko-neechan, Domon-niichan, Yanagi-neechan, soushite Recca-niichan! Nice to see you all together again!" I said when I bumped into them after school.

                "Yeah, whatever, Ko-chan," Fuuko said.

                "It's nice to see you, too, Koganei-kun," Sigh… Yanagi's always so polite. I wish people are like that.

                "Good to see you as well." Mikagami said. He's always so…so distant. Cold even, but not really. He's like a rock, shows no emotion whatsoever, and doesn't even smile.

                "So Koganei! What's with the attitude? Can't you be more enthusiastic?" Sigh… Domon. Sometimes, I wonder how old really is Domon. For a long time? I've been seen him and he doesn't even notice me! Come to think about it, I've been seeing all of them and none had ever passed a greeting or a wave. 

                Wonder why?

                "Are all of you coming with us home?" I asked.

            "With us home, Koganei? With you?" asked Recca.

                I still didn't know what was wrong with him. Or me.

                I didn't even understand why he said that with so much contempt.

                Did he hate me? Did I do something to anger him?

                Whenever someone would get mad at me, none of them had ever tried to explain why. 

                I didn't understand at all.

                All I know is that I must've done something real bad for them to get angry at me like that.

                Yanagi must've noticed this because she asked, "What's wrong Recca-kun? Is something the matter?"

                "Nothing. Nothing at all." With that said, Recca stormed away, leaving me totally confused. 

                Yanagi and the rest followed suit, all of them, with exception of Yanagi, looking at me coldly. I stared at them dumbly. 

                'What had I done this time?' I asked myself. 

                I stayed behind for a while, thinking of what had happened. What Recca said to me came as a shock. For the times I've been with him, I've never heard him talk to me that way. For the times I've been with him I've never seen him so angry with me.

                I decided to go home as well. It was a bit late and being outside at night isn't a good thing. I know, because I've been there for more than enough.

                I walked home slowly. Dreading what Recca might say more about me. Because every time he would, I'd feel something inside me burn. Not the usual burn, though. It's as if I'd just been stabbed in the heart. It's a feeling as if something's freezing inside. And it leaves you feeling cold and alone. And the feeling isn't at all pleasant. It's very painful.

                When I reached my destination, I found that the door was locked. I knocked and waited for someone to open it. Seconds went by and I knocked again. Still, no one came. I knocked for several times and I heard footsteps coming from inside.

                "Oy! Would someone please let me in?"

                The door opened and the person who opened it was Recca.

                "Koganei, you're here," he said, with as much contempt as he did a while ago.

                "Why don't you find your real family, Koganei? Why don't you find them and live with them for a damn good change?"

                I stared at him, "But-but you are my family. Recca-niichan, I--,"

                "We were never your family, Koganei. And we never considered as one."

                I was struck speechless. Find my real family? That's truly impossible! I swore that I'd never go back. I swore I'd never go back since they were the ones who left me in the first place. I wanted to explain it all to him. To make him understand. But I couldn't. It was too painful to remember.

                But I just can't let him talk to me like that. I just can't allow to banish me from the place I'm starting to call home. I just can't.

                Well, I'm stuck! Please help me! I beg you!

                I'll thank tenken and MidnightLoner when I'm really finished with the sixth chapter.

                Anyways, please give me some suggestions!

                Until next time, goodbye!


	7. I'm Taking You Home

        Okay! Here's the new chapter… Hehe… Sorry if it tool so long for me to finish this… You see, I'm currently addicted with Ragnarok Online… *sigh* I don't know why I just am… Anyway, that's what keeps me from finishing this chapter. Again, I'm really sorry!

DISCLAIMER: All characters aren't mine. I'm merely borrowing them for the sake of fun.

What Matters Most

Chapter 6: "I'm Taking You Back"

            "Konnichiwa Mikagami-niichan, Fuuko-neechan, Domon-niichan, Yanagi-neechan, soushite Recca-niichan! Nice to see you all together again!" I said when I bumped into them after school.

            "Yeah, whatever, Ko-chan," Fuuko said.

            "It's nice to see you, too, Koganei-kun," Sigh… Yanagi's always so polite. I wish people are like that.

            "Good to see you as well." Mikagami said. He's always so…so distant. Cold even, but not really. He's like a rock, shows no emotion whatsoever, and doesn't even smile.

            "So Koganei! What's with the attitude? Can't you be more enthusiastic?" Sigh… Domon. Sometimes, I wonder how old he really is. For a long time? I've been seen him and he doesn't even notice me! Come to think about it, I've been seeing all of them and none had ever passed a greeting or a wave. 

            Wonder why?

            "Are all of you coming with us home?" I asked.

            "With us home, Koganei? With you?" asked Recca.

            I still didn't know what was wrong with him. Or me.

            I didn't even understand why he said that with so much contempt.

            Did he hate me? Did I do something to anger him?

            Whenever someone would get mad at me, none of them had ever tried to explain why. 

            I didn't understand at all.

            All I know is that I must've done something real bad for them to get angry with me like that.

            Yanagi must've noticed this because she asked, "What's wrong Recca-kun? Is something the matter?"

            "Nothing. Nothing at all." With that said, Recca stormed away, leaving me totally confused. 

            Yanagi and the rest followed suit, all of them, with exception of Yanagi, looking at me coldly. I stared at them dumbly. 

            'What had I done this time?' I asked myself. 

            I stayed behind for a while, thinking of what had happened. What Recca said to me came as a shock. For the times I've been with him, I've never heard him talk to me that way. For the times I've been with him I've never seen him so angry with me.

            I decided to go home as well. It was a bit late and being outside at night isn't a good thing. I know, because I've been there for more than enough.

            I walked home slowly. Dreading what Recca might say more about me. Because every time he would, I'd feel something inside me burn. Not the usual burn, though. It's as if I'd just been stabbed in the heart. It's a feeling as if something's freezing inside. And it leaves you feeling cold and alone. And the feeling isn't at all pleasant. It's very painful. A feeling I never wanted to experience again. 

            But then again, father used to leave me feeling like that all the time… I guess I'm a bit used to it by now, come to think about it.

            When I reached my destination, I found that the door was locked. I knocked and waited for someone to open it. Seconds went by and I knocked again. Still, no one came. I knocked for several times and I heard footsteps coming from inside.

            "Oy! Would someone please let me in?"

            The door opened and the person who opened it was Recca.

            "Koganei, you're here," he said, with as much contempt as he did a while ago.

            "Why don't you find your real family, Koganei? Why don't you find them and live with them for a damn good change?"

            I stared at him, "But-but you are my family. Recca-niichan, I--,"

            "We were never your family, Koganei. And we never considered you as one."

            I was struck speechless. Find my real family? That's truly impossible! I swore that I'd never go back. I swore I'd never go back since they were the ones who left me in the first place. I wanted to explain it all to him. To make him understand. But I couldn't. It was too painful to remember.

            But I just can't let him talk to me like that. I just can't allow him to banish me from the place I'm starting to call home. I just can't. 

            "Nii-chan, you can't do this to me! You're the only one I have left! You, Yanagi, Fuuko, Domon, Mikagami, Kagero, Ganko and Hanabishi-san… You're the only ones I know! You can't… You… I-It's impossible!" I said. I knew I couldn't say anything to make him say otherwise. I knew there was no hope for me to stay here. I knew it. But I just couldn't allow him! Not ever! I had to try…

            Then Domon came out and said, "Koganei, nothing's impossible. All you have to do is take your stuff out, put them in your bag or whatever it is you do have, walk out the door and say good-bye. It's that simple!"

            Everyone started coming out of the house. All of them were wearing the same expression as Recca. 

            Even Yanagi.

            I stared at them. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. The people I cared for the most were looking at me as if I was some kind of intruder. A stranger. An invader.

            I couldn't understand. I couldn't understand what was happening. I didn't know what to do. I was scared. Confused. Alone. 

            Everything came back to me. All the memories I had kept inside for so long. All the times they'd beat me. All the things they'd said about me. All the things father had so forcefully put in my head. And that time… The time when they left me there… In the orphanage… 

            I stepped back. I didn't want to remember. I didn't want to. 

            But it came. Everything. 

            I backed away again. Staring at them. Unbelieving. Dumbfounded. Confused. Scared.

            Then it happened.

            The world spun so fast I stumbled. I was loosing my focus again. 

            But I couldn't. I couldn't let them see I was weak. I couldn't let them see me like this.

            So I ran. I started running even though pain was starting to envelop my entire body. I had to do this. I had to run away from them. I couldn't let them see. 

No more… I didn't want it anymore. No more pain. Even if I had to die… To take the pain away… To take everything away… Those memories. Those horrible memories… And the people…  

People who can't seem to find time for me. People who can't seem to stop from hurting me. People who don't care… No… I can't stand everything anymore… 

Why? Why can't anyone… someone… just stop and take some time to look… To care… To listen… To understand… Why? Why am I so unlucky? What is wrong with me? What is it that makes me so… so difficult to understand? 

I smiled… I knew this was it. I could feel my life slipping… I stopped. No… This wasn't it… This isn't the one… I could still feel… I could feel the cold concrete floor… I could feel my whole body… My whole body filled with pain… 

Then I realized something.

I was scared. Scared to die. No. I didn't want to die. I wanted to experience things I never did. Experience things I've always been forbidden to. I wanted to feel… Love. 

No. I didn't want to die. I wanted someone to understand me. And look at me even for a while and tell me that I'm… that I'm… worthy… wanted… loved.

I gradually became conscious of my surroundings. I realized I was lying on the concrete floor in an alley and was curled sideways with my back facing the road. Then I heard footsteps. Someone was running towards me. 

I felt my chest tighten again. My head was starting to ache and throb as if it were being hammered. My vision was blurring. Everything was painful. Every move, every breath was excruciating and I felt like screaming. But I couldn't. I had no energy left. All I could do was gasp for air and tighten my eyes in pain every time I'd do so. I felt my tears coming down my cheeks. Everything was so painful. I couldn't bear it. 

Then they came. Whoever it was who was running. 

"Koganei…"

I couldn't remember whose voice that was, but it seemed so familiar.

"Koganei," it said again. "Are you okay?"

Tears were swelling in my eyes even more. Every minute, every second seemed like forever.

"Koganei, are you okay?" He nudged me and I screwed my face with pain.

"Come on. I'm taking you back."

He carried me in his arms and I felt warmth spreading in my body. It had been a long time since anyone had carried me like this.

"You'll be alright."

He walked slowly carrying me in a place only God knows where. Then he stopped. I looked and I saw it wasn't Recca's house but Mikagami's. 

I forced myself to speak but all I could manage was a moan. He looked at me worriedly and I forced myself yet again. "Why?"

            He looked at me seriously, "Because I don't think it's right." 

            "What's not right?"

            "Recca." Was all he said.

            'Recca?' 

            "I'll explain it to you later. You need some rest," Mikagami said, "Then maybe you could tell me what's up with this and what's wrong with you."

            He carried me all the way to his room. He had two beds there. One wasn't as used as the other one so he placed me there. He went downstairs and brought a towel and some water. He pulled a chair and sat there, staring at my back as I was curled sideways trying hard not to cry in pain, gasping every now and then. He touched my shoulder gently and pulled me, attempting to lay me at my back. I followed suit and he started putting the towel on my burning forehead. My eyes were shut tight when he spoke, "Recca thinks you're trying to steal Kagero away from him."

            I grimaced, "Pathetic."

            "I know. That's why I came for you. But when I did, I found you lying in an alley, tears coming down your face as if every move and every breath you make is painful. What's happening to you?"

            I stayed silent. What can I tell him? 

I myself didn't know what was wrong with me. 

"Oi. Are you going to answer me or not?" His voice seemed impatient but when I looked at him, he looked concerned. 

Well, his eyes anyway…

I sighed. The pain was ebbing away slowly and I could move without hurting myself, "I don't know."

He frowned, "Don't know? How can you not know? It's your body. What did you do this past week? Did you play in the rain?" I grimaced. Did he really think I still play in the rain? That's stupid. Father already placed it forcefully that playing in the rain is a no-no, "Did you catch a cold? A flu? Did you, well…What did you do?"

"Nothing. I didn't do anything. Well, except…"

I stopped. How can I tell him _that?_ _This week a whole lot of bullies beat me up and I think it's because of them that I'm like this. No, wait. Bullies have been beating me up even before that. Well, I think they have been doing that ever since I can remember._

I don't think so.

"Well…"

"Nothing. I don't know why I'm like this."

"How long?"

"How long? Maybe… A few days? Weeks? I'm not sure…" I said meekly. 

"Koganei!" He was beginning to get mad, I knew it…

"Hai?"

"You're not sure?" 

"I'm sorry," I said. 

He was silent for a while.

"It's okay. We'll figure it out somehow…"

I looked up to him as he stood to leave.

"Where are you going?"

"I'm going to change my clothes. Why?"

I didn't want to say it. Just thinking about it makes me wince in embarrassment.

"Nothing," nope I can't say it.

"What is it?"

"It's nothing… Never mind…"

With that said, he walked off leaving me scared and alone.

I didn't want to say it but it is true.

I was scared and I didn't want him to leave me alone.

"Mikagami-niichan…"

He came back after a while. I was pretending to be asleep because I didn't want him to think I can't sleep alone. He walked over to me and what he said surprised me the most.

"Sleep well, Koganei. Don't worry everything will be all right. I'll take you home."

And after so many days, I felt myself smile.

Well, there ya go people! Hope it's as long as you like it… I tried to make it long… sigh… only 2000 words…Anyways thanks to those who reviewed!

**MidnightLoner: **Hehe… Thanx for the suggestions! It helped me a whole lot! Hehe… Thanks for reviewing… And thanks for keeping up with me… I'm so slow in uploading!!!

**tenken: **Ei… You're new chappie's a cliffhanger! I can't believe you!!! Hehe… Yes, Koganei had an attack in front of them… Thanks for that! And thanks for supporting me and being patient with even though I write chapters so long… Thanks a lot!!!

**Starcat:** Thanks for reviewing!!! And yes, I'm going to make the others miss him… Or really hate him that he starts feeling suicidal! Hehe… Thanks again!!!

**emily: **Yup! I updated and here it is!!!!

Oh yeah! Special thanks to tenken and MidnightLoner for keeping up with me and inspiring me to write more… Hehe… Thanks a **WHOLE **lot guys!!! 


	8. Nightmare

       *****sigh* Finally, I've done it! Hehe… I know it's been so long and, well, I know you're all probably mad at me for not updating. But! It's here. It's all for you… I'm kinda lost… I dunno what to do next so it may take a long time for me to do the next one… For that and everything else, I am very sorry… 

       Okay, now that that is over, here goes the story! Enjoy!

Disclaimer: I do not own Flame of Recca. I am merely borrowing the characters for mere fun.

What Matters Most

Chapter 8: Nightmare

       _"Where am I?" I ask myself. _

_       I didn't know where I was. It was so dark. I felt I was in space._

_       Dark. Cold. Empty._

_       'More like a dungeon.' I tell myself._

_       I started walking around. I tell myself that I couldn't do much but walk around. It was the only thing I could do. But I couldn't even move around much, though. It was dark. And kind of chilly. I started to think of places that I could possibly be in. And I thought of none. I was in Mikagami-niichan's place. It was impossible to be here. I couldn't even move a few…_

_       "Was it hours… Or days ago?" I said aloud, "Oh man, I could be anywhere in this planet!"_

_       Then I laughed. Who would possibly take enough interest in me to take me anywhere? _

_       But then again… What about Mikagami-niichan? Didn't he take care of me? _

_       I was walking, dazed and a bit confused. I really couldn't figure out where in the world I was. I couldn't think of a place this dark and cold. _

_       I couldn't…_

       I stopped. I saw I tiny creak of light, possibly from the room outside. I started running towards it. I didn't care where it led. Or what lies in it. I just wanted to get out of here. It was so cold. And dark. And reminded me of…

       _"No!" I shout, "No! No… Never… Koganei… Don't think about it… No…"_

_       I realized, that whenever I thought about the past, the past even before Kurei, I'd feel so ill and lightheaded and, well, you know what happens… _

_       'Kaoru…'_

_       "Who's that?" I said, feeling a sense of recognition._

_       'Kaoru…'_

_       "Who are you?! Show yourself!" I said, though the thought sent chills to my spine._

_       'My, my, boy… What have you gotten yourself into?'_

_       "I don't under-…,"_

_       'Have you realized that all you bring in life are troubles?'_

_       "T-trouble?"_

_       'That's right. You've brought nothing to this world but trouble.'_

_       "I don't know wha-,"_

_       'After all, it was your fault. It was your fault _she _died! Your fault Angeline died! Your stupid god forsaken eyes' fault! Your… You! Everything about you is wrong! I knew it… Knew it ever since you were born… Knew it… Everything about you… You killed her… You caused her pain. Trouble. If you didn't beg. If you never pleaded. Never existed…'_

_       'No!' _

_       "That voice… I know that voice… That's…"_

_       'That's not true! She loved… loves me! She did the things I asked her to because she loves me! She… Mother loves me, Father! She lov-,"_

Slap! And the boy falls hard on the stone cold floor. Eyes wide in fear. Shock. And aloneness. 

       The father, however, merely stared at the boy. As if he were merely trash. A disgusting creature. 

       The boy could only stare. He didn't dare speak afraid he might cry. And his father didn't like that. No. His father didn't like people who are weak. 

       Such as himself.

       His father did not like people who show their weakness.

       Such as himself.

       His father did not like people who were dumb and clumsy, stupid and weak.

       Such as himself.

       His father did not like anything about him. His father despised his very being. His soul. Everything. His father hates…

       '_No!' I heard him say. It was weird. This. Everything. I didn't know what was happening. Didn't know how I came to be here. Am I dead? Did I die? I hope so…_

_       I walked up to them… I didn't want the boy… No… Me… To experience those things again… So I reached for myself… Whispered… And told myself to get out. To run away. To never return from the place I thought was home. To just disappear… And not live at all…_

_       'Loves you? Angeline, loves you? Don't make me laugh, boy. She never loved you. She only did those things because she was obligated to.'_

_       'Obligated? She's my mother! She can't be obligated! She… she didn't do that because she was obligated… She read me stories at night… Tucked me in bed… No! She loves me! Mother loves me!'_

_       'Really? Then why didn't she take care of you when you were ill? Why didn't she stay beside you when you were afraid? Tell me, boy, has she ever said she loves you?'_

_       "No… no… Please stop. Why am I here? What am I doing here? Why is this happening to me? I don't want to remember… I don't want to… Don't let me… It hurts… It hurts so much… Oh god, please… Don't do this to me… What have I done wrong this time? Why am I always doing something wrong? Am I being punished for the things I've done? For running away? For trying to end it? For… for…"_

_       'She… Mother… she…'_

_       'Didn't I tell you boy? You are nothing to her. To me. You were never anyone to us. Nor ever will be… You will never become anyone… Because you are worthless… Pathetic… And weak… You don't deserve to live in this world, boy. You don't deserve anything… Not even love… Not love… Not ever…'_

_       "Stop… stop… Please stop! I don't want this! I don't want to remember! I don't want to! I've tried so hard to! No! Let me go! Leave me alone! Stop! Stop… please…"_

_       'Father…' _the boy says, _'I… I know you do care for me. I know it… I just know it… It's just that… this happened and… and you don't have anyone to blame it on… It's ok if you blame it on me… It's ok… Just so long as… So long as…,' _the boy walks up to the father and puts his arms around the fathers waist, _'Just so long as you love me…'_

_       I tried to run away… I tried to block the image of myself and my father… Tried so hard not to remember what happened afterwards… But I couldn't… The voices kept on coming… They were still there… The two of us… My father and myself… _

_       Wherever I turned they were still there… Wherever I looked… They were there…_

_       I couldn't escape it… Couldn't get away from it…_

_       "No… Please stop… Let me go! Leave me alone! I don't want to! I don't want to remember! God, don't… I don't want…"_

_       'Love you? Why would I love someone such as yourself? Why would I love someone who has caused nothing but trouble? How, pray tell, can I love you when I hate you so much? When I despise everything about you? How can I love you… when you took away the person I care for the most? She was the only one… The only one I ever loved… Why should I love you?'_

_       'Father I…'_

_       "STOP! STOP IT! STOP IT, PLEASE! LET ME GO! LET ME GO! _

"Koganei!"

       _Who is it? What did I do this time?_

"Koganei! Wake up, Koganei!"

       All of a sudden warmth enveloped me and I felt myself wake up, panting and crying, from that nightmare. I realized that my face was in Mikagami's chest, one of his hands on my head, the other soothing my back. His head was on top of my ever-messy hair and he was whispering comforting words in my ear, 

       "Shh… It's all right, Koganei. It was only a nightmare. It won't happen. It'll never happen…"

       It was the first time someone actually comforted me. It was the first time someone said comforting words to me when I was afraid. And it made me cry harder.

       "It's all right, Koganei. Everything's going to be all right."

       I couldn't stop myself from crying. Couldn't stop those tears I've kept for so long. I was so embarrassed. I felt weak again. I was always weak. I wish I could become stronger. To show him… Father…

       Maybe I was still caught up in the nightmare at the time. Maybe I was temporarily insane. Maybe I was talking to myself. But I can't take back what I've said, "Don't leave me… I don't want to be alone anymore… I don't want to… I'm afraid… I'm sorry if I'm a bad boy… I'm so sorry if all I bring you is trouble… But don't leave me, please… I've tried so hard to be accepted… But no one's ever did… I don't know why… I don't understand… I've tried so hard to be a good boy… I've tried so hard not to bring trouble… But I always fail… I'm so sorry… I'm very, very sorry… Please don't leave me… I know it's my fault… I know everything's my fault… But don't leave me… I don't want to be alone anymore… It's so hard to be alone… When no one's there for you… I want… Please… don't leave me…"

       And I felt myself drift into unconsciousness. 

       This left Mikagami very confused. 

       He didn't know Koganei held problems like that. He didn't know the boy kept his emotions like that. He didn't know that a boy as young as Koganei could experience things like that at his age.

       "Don't worry Koganei. I'm always here. I'll always be here."

       Yay! It's over! Sorry if I updated so long… Gah! I'm so lazy sometimes!!

       Thanks for those who reviewed!

       To:

       **reeeeeeeenaaa: **You almost cried? Waaahhh!!! I'm so honored! Hehe… OOC for Mikagami? Why not? He did help Koganei when he was stuck inside what's his name's body… I mean tree… right? Gah! I forgot his name… Thanks for reviewing!!!

       **emily: **I finally updated… Hehe… Thanks for reviewing!!!

       **Starcat: **Starting to worry? Waaahhh! I'm so sorry!!! Hehe… You say you love this story? THANKS!!! Hehehehehehe… Yeah… Gave me an idea… I'll use it later… When I do… I'll let you know… Thanks again!!!

       **Schizo13: **You probably think I'm the slowest author on earth… Gah! School sucks… Exam sucks as well… Fuuko? Change? Ah well, let's see… Recca? An idiot? Maybe… I didn't mean it to turn that way… I just needed some kind of thing that'll let Recca really get angry at Koganei… And I used Kagero… It's stupid, I know… But hey, I'm a stupid author… Hehe… Thanks for keeping up with me!! Thanks a bunch for that review!!!

       **tenken: **Starting to give up?! Starting to give up?! Wwwaaaaaahhhhhh!!! I'm so sorry!!! I'm not responsible so… yeah… and I'm super lazy at times… As if that's a valid reason for letting all of you down… I'm sorry I took so long!! Sigh… Yup! Mikagami was at Recca's house at the time… They all were… I think Ganko's missing in my story… Do you and Schizo13 think I should put her in? I dunno… for something… Gah! Cheering up? Only at that part… I guess… I think I should change this to angst… Gah! I'm rambling… again… Thanks for giving me an idea… Was thinking of putting that in but I lost it… Stupid me… Thanks for everything!!!

       Hehe… I know it took super long to finish this but… Here it is! Hope you enjoyed it!

       PS To tenken and Schizo13… I really felt guilty when tenken told me to hurry up and update my fic… Coz I wasn't doing anything. At all. And when Schizo13 agreed… My guilt was getting up on me… So I wrote… So it's thanks to you two, again, for letting me write another chapter when I wasn't going to anymore… 

       Thanks a whole lot!

       I'm really really grateful…  ****


	9. Tell Me Later

Sorry if I took long to update. I really got caught up with Naruto and I couldn't help making a chibi Naruto fic. It's just so sad to be alone… And Naruto was all along since he was small! Hehe… I'm acting all weird now… Gomen. Anyway, read on!

DISCLAIMER: Flame of Recca is not mine. I'm merely borrowing it for mere fun.

What Matters Most

Chapter 9: Tell Me Later

I woke up early next morning feeling very… relaxed. Somehow, everything that happened yesterday seemed far off and unimportant. It was as if I poured out everything last night and--

Wait a minute…

What _happened _last night? As far as I'm concerned or as far as I could remember… Nothing… I couldn't remember anything. Unless… The dream I had was actually true! Mikagami-niichan really told me that… He really told me that… He'll always be there.

I smile at the thought. Finally, I've found someone I can trust. Or am I hoping too much again? Am I putting myself in another wild goose chase for someone who can love me? For someone who can truly love who I am?

I shudder at that thought. I don't want that to happen again. I don't want to feel lost after all the trust I've placed on that person. I don't want to feel betrayed or worthless just because I trusted too much. Am I really willing to give that another try? Am I willing to trust again… After all that happened to me? Will I be able to… Will I be able to?

"Oi, Koganei."

It was Mi-niichan. I wonder what he wants…

"Are you up yet?" He called through the door. Apparently, he woke up before I did. Iie. It was obvious he woke up before I did. The other bed was empty. And I smell breakfast cooking… And boy does that smell good! I wonder if it tastes good as well?

"Un! I'm up… I just woke up though," I said.

He opened the door and went in. He was dressed in his usual outfit but with an apron, obviously he was cooking. He looked at me and I saw something flash in those impossibly blue eyes of his. It was weird. That flash… It really seemed like he was worried about me…

"Refresh yourself and come out, all right? Breakfast is almost ready," he said, "And… "

I frowned, "Nanda, Mi-niichan?"

For a while there he looked utterly confused but he wiped the expression off quickly, "Nothing…" And he left.

"Hmm… Nii-chan is acting strange today…"

I came out of the bedroom only to be hit by a wave of the smell of pancakes.

"Smells good, Mi-niichan."

"Hn."

I sat myself and started eating what was served on the table, "Mmm! Oishi!"

He started eating himself.

"Ne, Mi-niichan… Ano… Thanks for… um…" I sighed. How come I can't bring myself to thank him? Am I really so full of myself that I can't bring myself to thank someone? sigh

There was only one reason why I couldn't bring myself to say it.

It was very, very embarrassing.

I promised myself I would be strong. To conquer anything without the help of anyone. I promised myself that I'd show father that I _am_ worth the things he said I wasn't. I wanted to… sigh

Thinking about it made me remember so much. Saying something concerning _that_ makes my head spin. But what I was doing was just a show of gratitude. Why couldn't I bring myself to say it? I myself said that I'd want any help the other day. Then… Why?

I snapped from my thoughts, "Gomen, nii-chan. Did you say something?"

"I said," he repeated, gritting his teeth, "Don't mention it. I was only doing it because what Recca did was wrong."

I stared up at him. "Demo… You went through all this trouble just for me. I still wanna say--,"

"Koganei," he said firmly, "It doesn't matter. The past isn't there to dwell or to mourn on, it's there… so we can learn from it."

I stared at him, speechless at what he said. Never in my life could I have guessed that Mikagami-niichan was a philosopher! I blinked hard and tried to let it all sink so I wouldn't forget. That was the first time anyone had ever said something to comfort me of my past. He may not have known it. He may not have realized it. But what he said lit something in me I thought I had lost so long ago!

He made me hope again. He, of all people, made me _hope _again!

I could've sworn the one who'd make me really live again was Yanagi-neechan! I mean, I didn't go do everything I did for nothing, right? I pulled away form Kurei because I felt she was the one who'd really give me what I've always wanted. She was so full of it! And when Kurei did that to her I was determined to save and protect her. Just because I felt she was the one. But I never expected _this _to happen!

Mikagami-niichan's words were simple but they went through me like… like… Argh! This is so weird!

But even if the situation wasn't what I expected, I felt grateful. Life was still good to me. I think…

"Oi, Koganei."

"Ah?"

"About last night…"

I frowned, I was starting to worry he'd deny what he said last night. Anyway, I braced myself for he continued…

But he didn't say anything. I looked up at him and said, "What about last night, Mikagami-niichan?"

He looked expressionless as ever and my tension was growing by the second, "Mi-niichan?"

"Do you… Do you remember… What you said last night?"

I looked down, afraid to meet his gaze. I didn't know why. I felt weird. I think I was acting weird in front of him.

"Oi, Koganei… Do you remember?" He asked again.

I gulped and said, "A little…A little… "

"Oh," was his reply, "Like what?"

"Like… like… A dream, iie, it was a nightmare… Then I woke up and… That was the blurry part… I can only remember bits and pieces of it."

"Do you remember what you said to me?" I looked at his eyes and he said, "Do you?"

"Mi-niichan… I remember I told you that I--,"

I didn't continue. Why? The door opened suddenly. It was Fuuko-neechan.

"Hey, Mi-chan! Ohayou!!!" She screamed. She stared at me suddenly, realizing I was in the room. I winced. I didn't like that stare.

"What's he doing here?" She pointed at me.

"I took him here, why?" Nii-chan answered.

"Iie. I was just curious. Ohayou, Koganei," she said dejectedly, "C'mon, Mi-chan. You promised me you'd go with me! Hurry up, will ya?"

"I'm coming, Fuuko. Koganei…" He turned to me, "I'm leaving for a while. Don't mess my place up, ok? If you're hungry there's food in the fridge."

"Hai, Ni-chan. I won't mess your place up!" I said cheerfully, trying to lighten the mood.

Both he and Fuuko went out the door. I sighed.

"Koganei."

Mikagami was at the door again, "Hai, nii-chan?"

"Tell me later." And then, he shut the door.

I shrugged.

"Doesn't matter if I remind him… But what's weird is… Why does he want to know?"

I shrugged again.

'Tell me later' huh?

Yatta!!! I finished a chapter! If it's confusing I'm very, very sorry. But it'll all be clear later, ok? Hehe… Thanks for those who reviewed!!!

fruitpeach: Yup! I wrote some more! Thanks for the review!!!

emily: I updated! Yes! Hehehe… Here's the next chappie!!! Thanks for that review!

Schizo13: Thanks for telling me I'm not stupid. But really… I could've thought of another, much better idea… Hehe… But what's done is done! There's nothing I can do about that, right? Yup, it does suck when no one cares for you or acknowledges you, right? That's sad… It sucks to be lonely… Hehe… Crap! I'm talking about crap! Hehe… thanks for reviewing!!!

tenken: Hehe… Yup I meant Mokuren! I forget his name at times. I wonder why? Hehe… You liked chapter8? Thanks! Oh, and it's ok if you took long reviewing. I took long reviewing yours too, right? I was waiting for your review before I started writing again… I wanted to know what you thought first… Anyway, Schizo13 was the first to review so I waited for yours… Take away "caught up in the nightmare"? I needed people to know that Koganei didn't know what was happening when he woke up. (Ya know, just like we don't know where we are after dreaming… That happened to me once… ) Mikagami thinks Koganei didn't know he said that to him that night, thinking he was still "caught up in the nightmare" and… you'll just have to find out later. Ganko? Hmm… Sympathizer… I'll think about that… Thanks for the long review!!! I love long reviews!!!


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